|To whom it may concern.
||[Sep. 26th, 2007|03:06 pm]
so much bullshit.|
so very much bullshit.
after all the crap that's been pulled, i feel the need to speak. i'm not forcing anything down any one's throat; if you don't want to hear what i have to say then you don't have to read it.
but i've kept my mouth shut for long enough. there are a few things i have to say to certain people, so i'll just get to the point.
I don't exactly know where to begin. There's so much that needs to be addressed. I suppose I'd like to start by saying, as much as it's hard to admit at such a time, but I'm sad that we aren't friends anymore. What can I say, you were my best friend. There is so much of me now that still has so much of you. How can I listen to ... basically any of the music I like without thinking of times like the Don Omar concert, or our mutual love for bands like placebo, or Gasolina during a traffic jam? My clothes, my general interests, and my hobbies are ultimately things that we once shared, and that stuff just doesn't go away. Is it even possible to watch a Roger Federer match and not wonder if you're watching it too? Not quite. You know how close we were, I don't have to tell you. So from time to time when I start to reminisce, I quickly start to think about: Why. Why the fuck did any of this shit happen? And then I remember, Oh yeah. You've never once told me face to face what your problem(s) was/were/is/are. And that's when I start to get upset. Because I don't know how you feel, but the fact that I have had to snoop around and spy and send insiders in just to find out why my best friend just decided to hate me.. is a little disturbing to me. But I suppose there was no other way of finding out; if someone hadn't shown me one of your livejournal entries that you posted basically describing the nature of our split, behind my back, I really would still be clueless. So, you didn't want me to go to prom? That's funny, because everytime the subject came up, you could've fooled me. Because giddy with anticipation and numerous variations of omgomgomg cantwait cantwait ahhhhhh dress shopping <3! , to me does not exactly translate to: oh jen btw, I don't think you should come. Sorry I couldn't read your mind, I suppose I'll try and work on that. Oh well, while this was not the biggest of deals, it was the start of a string of you being pissed at what I was doing and not talking to me about it. You and Peter started to have problems. I should've just stayed the fuck out of it. But what am I supposed to do when I'm getting phone calls from Peter, who generally doesnt give two shits about anyone but his damn self, in which he keeps begging me over and over to help him with what he should do to save his friendship with you. Because, and I loosely quote, he cares about Emily and their friendship. He's concerned at why Emily is acting so different. Is something wrong? Is it him? Is it us? Or does Emily just not like Peter anymore? No, no, that can't be it. Emily, there's only so many times you can be a bitch to someone, for what ever reason you possibly may have, before they give up. I can't believe you could even think of blaming us for thinking you were mad at us. You spoke to us with a consistently bitchy tone and you never wanted to hang out with us. Sorry for the assumption. But maybe you remember, there was this one time Peter called me and asked me if I think it would be a good idea to maybe send you a myspace message. Not the best ways of communication in my opinion, but it was a way he could express everything he was feeling without any interjections or interruptions. So he did. And he called me back about 2 full hours later and read me the message. And all I can remember is thinking, that is one of the most sincere letters i've ever heard. coming from peter fucking kasmin. And I was like, listen Peter, whatever is on Emily's mind, once she reads that, things will get better, don't worry.
Emily, your response to the message didn't even seem like you took the time to read it. And I got pissed off. You're right, I didn't know peter well. But we got along well and we were both linked by the shared care and concern we had for you and your well being. And you basically threw it back in our faces like "hey i dont fucking care".
So, Peter, being Peter, naturally was like fuck you bitch you don't want anything to do with me i don't want anything to do with you bitch bitch fuck bitch.
And this is where I was put into a horrible dilemma. I am torn forcefully between a kid who I liked but hardly knew, and my best friend who I thought was being so wrong. Side with Peter, I'd be betraying you. Completely forget Peter, and I'd be be contradicting myself completely. Should I, as a loyal friend, have automatically dropped Peter and side with you unconditionally, no matter how outrageous you got? Maybe. Maybe i was wrong for using my judgement. But at this point i figured I should just confront you.
I recall a certain episode, which I believe took place at the Eisenhower park tennis courts. It was in the midst of all the shit. I felt like everything was wrong. Everything about my life at that point was so fucking wrong. And I felt like if there was one person I could confide in, and if there was one person I could work with to fix all the problems, it was you Emily. And while I was having such a good time with Peter with all the fun drinking and parties, at that point I really was like, this shit isn't worth it. I'm not going to throw out my real friends for dumb reasons. So I really wanted to have a heart to heart with you. Which I attempted to do so. "Emily, it's obvious you're friendship with Peter is beyond repair. I really need to know if me being friends with him will affect our relationship." "No Jen, I really have no problem with you being friends with Peter. And I'm fine with the idea that Peter and I aren't friends anymore. Peter does this thing where he just decides that he's not going to be friends with someone anymore and then it's over."
Okay. So, you don't have a problem with me being friends with Peter. You said it to my goddamn face. Well too bad that was a lie and I was supposed to take from that that you actually did have a problem with me being friends with him. Oh well, I guess I'm fucked for believing what you told me. Doesn't that just suck.
From that point on it was all down hill. Maybe I'm just being selfish, but I was in a fucked up time in my life. My insecure bullshit led me to run to people like Peter and Julie, who were fun and had a lot of friends and liked me being around. And because I was always worried whether anyone really cared for me, it seemed okay to me to get drunk and make out with guys I didn't know. I didn't have to worry about whether any of the people I partied with cared for me: I already knew they didn't. Well it fucking wasn't okay. It actually really sucked. And all the while I kept fooling myself into thinking I was having the time of my life, none of the shit I did mattered anyway. Silly.
And thinking back, I can say now that I think you did a really shitty job of being my friend. You knew I had a problem. You knew I was irresponisble. But did you ever once sit me down and say to me "Jen, I think you need to seriously think about where your life is going from here."? No. And no, I don't think that that's asking too much from you. Was I ever in any real danger? Not really. But for all anyone knew, I could've been on my way to being a hardcore alcoholic. And I'm just hurt that instead of expressing concern to me personally, you went and talked behind my back to Mary and Melissa and Annie.
And I'll never forget the last day of our friendship. The day you called me up minutes before we were supposed to leave for Timmy's play to tell me you were blowing me off to go hang out with Annie. Thanks.
So I suppose we're all to blame. There's so much shit I've pulled that was beyond stupid and had I known this was to be the final product, I may have altered my decisions. But you cannot say that you weren't wrong in so many ways. I suppose what my concluding words to you should be an apology. I'm sorry. I'm sorry this all happened this way. I'm sorry that this bullshit is still continuing to this day. I wish you well. And that's as honest as I can get.
Dear Annie, Mary, Melissa, Mollie, and others:
I'm not even gonna lie. I don't even know why any of you hate me. "Ugly"? "Dumb slut"? I've never done anything to any of you personally. I was never even that great of friends with any of you. You're great kids. There's no need to attack me when I've really done nothing to bother you. I can't say I'm that sorry for anything I've ever done to you, because there has been no harm done. To be honest, you guys were fun, but not having to see/speak to/hang out with you really doesn't keep me up at night. But still, I wish you all well also.
So this is the closure to many things, one being the very existence of this livejournal. I was thinking about just deleting the whole thing, but destroying evidence of the past won't change it. So I'll leave it. But I'm glad that I'm not going to sign onto it anymore and see the last entry i wrote before this one. It was posted around december-ish of last year, and it was about moving out of my old house. When I posted that entry, I never thought how much my life would be different by the time I posted the next one. Funny how things work out.
And yet I pretty much am just in love with life right now. I have an amazing job at the Social Security Administration, an adorable boyfriend named Patrick who is just absolutely perfect for me (Yes Mary, even a dumb slut like me can have a faithful long term relationship. Who knew!) , incredible friends whom I love with all my heart, and a shining future which I am quite excited about. Hope things go well for you guys too.